Readjusting My Focus

Yesterday, Raquel asked me how I used to stay so focused on my running when we first started dating, and why it seems like my focus has shifted since then. After giving her the initial quizzical "duh" stare, I told her the truth. It may seem like my focus has shifted since we started dating, but that's because I was better at masking my real priorities back then. Besides, what better way to impress a girl than being in shape and showing some dedication to fitness? After you get the girl, you tend to be less worried about impressing her. Unfortunately. And in all honesty, my weekly running mileage decreased by about a half after we met.

Naturally, that begged the question of how I stayed so focused before we met. Of course, I did touch on my early motivation that I share with most of my friends, but this time Raquel was the one asking. And I believe in full disclosure when it comes to my girlfriend. So she helped me realize something while I was being honest with her. My best running performance was fueled by anger and bitterness from a previous breakup. It's true. I'm sad to say that the peak of my running career occurred between my previous relationship and Raquel. It explains everything about my running style during that time: balled-fisted, teeth-gritting, angry music pavement pounding (that was probably grammatically wrong, but you get the point).

In essence, I think I was literally running away from my own fears: fear that I handled the relationship badly, fear of my own sexuality, and fear that my career was going nowhere after years of schooling. Hey, some people have therapy, and I guess I had running, which allotted me miles of sweating and quiet reflection. At least it was free and not to mention the beneficial side effect of getting in shape. After 856 miles (according to my Nike+ account), I'd like to think that I've sorted out those issues and more. I'm not saying that running is going to be a magical remedy for everyone, but it does work for some.

So where am I going from here? Well, I now know that running will always be there to help me sort through my problems. But, I don't want it to be associated with negative emotions. And maybe it's time to use it as an expression of how happy I am that I've found someone who's perfect for me. I'm not going to run away from my fears anymore. Instead, I'm going to run towards a dazzingly bright future, that I never thought was possible or deserved. It's just a matter of seeing where my feet take me.