Monday, October 29, 2012

Cleaning House

Yep, I'm un-apologetically briefly returning to my abandoned blog.  At the urging of many of my friends to purge certain folders of my computer, I'm finally doing that.  But, there is one piece in my collection that I didn't exactly want to outright delete.  I wrote this piece 2 years ago, as a gift to the baby that I hoped to one day have with R.  I'm posting it and sending out this energy into the world, in the hopes that I'll still one day have this baby with the one I'm meant to be with.  So, without further ado:

"Today, I found myself Googling gamete formation, fertilization, and mitotic cell division.  It's evident that every step in the reproductive process has been researched, observed, and documented.  But, we don't need to take AP biology to get pregnant; sometimes you just need to show up for $2 Corona night at the bar. And honestly, I was conveniently sick that day in Bio Class when we reviewed reproduction with the birthing video.  I prefer my lunch to travel in a one-way direction, not two.  Besides, I figured that when I was ready to have a family, I could just follow the pre-determined steps and magically create one minus physical complications; or so I thought when I was 15.  And then I realized I was gay.  Oh well, there went my supposedly easy no-nonsense cheap approach to procreation.  But now that I'm ready to start family planning, I'm overwhelmed with the options.  

By nature, I like systematic approaches to everything.  Breaking down large hurdles to small and manageable steps.  That's why I went into engineering.  When I pedantically code a solution to the problem at large, it should work. That's how most people view computer programming: input and output, black and white, cause and effect.   But few realize its subtlety and artful nuances.  To me, programming is more akin to music; it's like a symphony.  Every programming solution has multiple instrumental factors, and I conduct their collaborated intersecting harmonies with my own personal style.  As I've learned with work, there is more than one way to play a piece.  So why am I still struggling with choosing an alternative family option?  

Well, call me old-fashioned and sentimental, but I'm still bitter that we can't bring a child into this world just based on love.  Shouldn't it be that simple?  I selfishly want our baby to have her face shape and my eyes; her smile and my hands; her hair and my ears.  I want to walk hand in hand with our son to his first day of school and notice for the first time that he waddles like me, but then he'll giggle and get overly excited like his other mom.  And I want to watch our daughter starting in her first highschool volleyball game, gliding onto the court with the same athletic grace as her other mom; but then she'll comfort her teammates like me when they lose that game.  I want all these things, but that child is ultimately impossible to create.  This bone-deep yearning gets so intense that it robs me of sleep, and I lie awake wondering if I can will this pipe dream into reality.  But sadly, the strength of my will can't produce sperm.  So as the Japanese say, "Shikata ga nai", it can't be helped.  By now, I should be used to my life not following a set equation. 

The first time I truly embraced that concept was out surfing.  My friend Kevin, who's also an engineer, began our lesson with explanations of tides, ocean floor geography, and aerodynamics.  And then a wave surged around his feet, picked up his board and slammed me in the face, resulting in my first shiner.  That's when I felt a moment of clarity through the throbbing pain.  We can't cerebrally break down such a visceral experience.  Instead, we need to literally let the wave grab us, willingly let go, and just see where it takes us.  So after half a day of failed attempts, a wave effortlessly lifted me on its shoulders and brought me back to shore.  It had an immeasurable magnitude of power, like most things in life, and that day I learned how to be present; ride life as it rolls towards you; and try not to get pounded into the sand.  

And appropriately following that wave of entropy, I found a woman who met almost none of my original criteria for a girlfriend.  So naturally, she makes me happier than I've ever been.  She adds even more chaos to my life, and I greedily suck in every minute of it.  Every day she challenges my opinions, my methods, my waddle.  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, but I'll never change the waddle.    In many ways, she's my opposite.  She's a do-gooder, who wants to save the world.  And via Angelina Jolie-style, she wants to save it one kid at a time from every country.  When she speaks about these kids and their strife, her altruism is infectious.  I have no doubt that she will be an incredible mom, because with her instinctual empathy those kids could just as easily come out of her womb.  And curiously, I feel that bone-deep yearning slowly being fulfilled.  Our child may not have her bone structure and my eyes, but he will have her humor, and my gentleness; her courage, and my stubbornness; her playfulness, and my determination.  But, most of all he'll have our love.  How could I look at him and not see us reflecting back?  So maybe my will can't make sperm, but apparently it can one day bring my Pinocchio to life. "


Jolene said...

Fantastic post and yay for bringing your blog back to life :) You will be a wonderful mother!

Surfrunner said...

Thanks Jo. That means a lot to me, especially coming from an already wonderful mother. :)

Anuj Maheshwari said...

It's not a matter of "if" ... It's just a matter of "when", hon. Your patience will be rewarded with two bonds you will cherish for the rest of your life! Think about it that way :)

Lorelle said...

Your child(ren)will be so, so lucky to have you as a mother. Anyone who has you as a friend has absolutely zero doubt of this.

Lorelle said...

And so happy to see you writing here again!